Mr Sylvester

"When's next train to Aluva?" He asked me in a heavy non-Indian British accent.

"Sir it's supposed to come at 6.45. We've to wait for 15 more minutes I guess" I told.

"Hi I'm Sylvester!" He forwarded his hands.

Whoah! What a firm, confident shake hand!

"Have you been to Velankanni?" he asked.

"No sir, I'll once go" I told him...

"Hmmmm!" He sighed. "Shall I tell one story?" he asked.

I became furious but more than that I was curious. "Sure sir!" I smiled.

He told the story-"There was one NRI from Germany who was back at his hometown-Bangalore for winter vacations. He and his family i.e. His wife, his 2 daughters aged 21 and 17 decided to go to Velankanni for Christmas. Thus the pilgrimage trip was planned and they went, spent the Christmas at the church and nearby places. There was a high amount of festive mood in the atmosphere. On 25th night the family-man drunk bit above his usual quota. On 26th morning his spouse and children woke him up and urged him to participate in one march past to be happened in the beach. The hangover made him stay in room and the family left for the program. He woke up at around ten. Went outside and saw that there was water everywhere. It was Tsunami. He stayed in that place for 2 weeks, didn't see them or even their dead bodies. Now he is simply wandering the world, visiting various place and is talking to you right now".

I was able to see his eyes sparkle against the light. I knew that it was due to tears.

"Sir, am sorry." I didn't know how to console him.

"Don't be. I'm giving you a small suggestion. Live your life to the fullest. Live every moment. Because you never know what's gonna happen. You're young blood. You must be having high amount of energy." He told.

"Where do you stay?" I asked.

"Nothing like that. No permanent place and all. The whole world's there to stay." and he let out a big laugh which came directly from his heart.

"I think it's getting crowded. I need some air." He moved to the platform end where there were less people. I noticed his walk. Proud of what he is. Held his head high!

Was just wondering how many more "Sylvesters" are there ....

After the Mullapperiyaar disaster there may be an ascend in the number.

Nostalgia from Doordarshan

“What if Doordarshan was the only channel in TV? They used to put one movie every Sunday. Before the picture the used to show one animation, where an orb gradually becomes DD’s logo. I used to be very depressed by the tune which the animation accompanies. Holidays are over! School starts! I am feeling the same now!”

These aren’t my words. It’s a mere copy-paste of dialogue in the movie-“Zindagi na milegi dobara”. After seeing the movie (which I loved by the way!) I too was depressed that my student’s life is almost over and I have started working. As sung by Bryan Adams, “Those were the best days of my life!” the only difference being that mine was “summer of 99!” (Well there used to be many summers which are remarkable!) School days were fun with lot of time for self, the time during which cable TV was absent. Only a few good programmes to which people get stuck on to! It creates a mood of nostalgia thinking about few programmes which friends used to discuss in the lunch break on school days. The dialogue in the movie in fact forced me to think about those few good programmes…

Aladdin: -

Arabian naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyytzzzzzzzzzzz……… The song really reminded me about the “deserty” Arabia (well I have never been to Arabia, but reminded me of Arabia which I have seen in TV and photos)! The Walt Disney cartoon which really used to pin me to the seat with the adventures of Aladdin. Genie with all the gestures had made me laugh and had definitely been a part in me. (No! I don’t do any magic. Genie is in me only in the gestures’ department), along with Abu & Iago. An interesting character was the carpet which cannot talk but communicate well in spite of being a non-living thing. And Jasmine the princess was B.E.A.Youtiful (courtesy: Bruce almighty).

Alif Laila: -

“Zindbad the sailor ek jahaas mein jab chala” Err! That is not the title song. I don’t remember the lyrics, so I beg your pardon. It was like-“Alif Laila! Alif Laila! Alif La-a-a-a-a—yilaaaaa! Alif laaaaaaaaaaaillllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Last line in high pitch)” Oh shit I lost the matter! This was a series which was telecasted at night. During those days, I haven’t seen such beautiful graphics! Especially the one with Zindbad, Ali-Baba & Aladdin, being the most prominent stories.

All the best: - A programme in DD Metro on Sundays. Used to play latest bollywood songs & albums then. The thing which I loved was that the songs were played fully. (I remember fighting with mother to watch this programme because its timing was bit late according to her, and next day I had to go to school and she wanted to make sure I don’t get up late). Later on, they gave up the habit of playing the songs fully.

Appooppanthaadi: -

The Malayalam serial exclusively for kids. The title means “Grandpa’s Beard”. Sounds awkward when translated into English, I know. This was the first time I saw what morphing was! (Not morphine!) The highlight of this serial was a goggle with an Aero plane on the nose. It was owned by couple of kids. When this goggle was worn, one could see the exact character of any person. Some would turn in to Lion, some into jackals, some into rabbits (Psss…. This is where morphing used to come in!).

Chandrakantha:

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I used to watch this serial on weekends even though I don’t understand a word. Normally itself I was week in Hindi (Now I have improved! I know few cuss words and can count up to 16 in Hindi, plus I can understand bollywood movies!), whereas this was a story from history when English was not used. So the language was pure Hindi…. Wow! That is a double impact. As told through a Malayalam proverb, it was just like a blind seeing Kadhakali! So the question here is why I used to see the serial. Simple! To see Kroor Singh and hear his “Yakku!” He is the only character I remember in that serial. I do remember others’ faces, but the name! I used to tap my right and fingers on the left hand fist and tell “Yyyyyyakkkkkkkoooooooooooooo!”

Disney Hour & Disney world: -

These were two programmes which used to be divided into 3 sessions each. These were the programmes where I started knowing Donald Duck, Goofy (remember his giggle-Ahhyooo Ahhyooo!) Mickey Mouse (he calling his dog-blooooootoooo! in a female voice), Minnie Mouse and Pluto (who used to clean his teeth and make them shine for a female dog of a dash hunt breed I guess, and the female dog looked like a suspension bridge!) Too much of imaginations were there in the programmes

Duck tales: -

The very rich Uncle Scrooge McDuck and the very naughty, tiny nephew pests. The main character, the uncle used to find way to increase his wealth (by the way he used to keep a coin with him which was considered the source of luck of all his wealth!), whereas few villains try to rob him and he protects his wealth. I remember one episode in which Uncle Scrooge was Columbus, who goes in search of India, finds, West Indies as well as Spain and when realizing the mistake declares-“This is India and I name it Spain!”

Ek se badkar ek: -

As far as I can remember, this was the first top ten count-down show in Indian television history. The top-ten bollywood songs were listed. And it was a serial combined with top-ten. A story ran parallel with the top-ten. If you have seen this program, you would very well remember the dialogue-“Aaw Maaw Chaaw!” this was the programme through which I understood that there was an art form called “Albums”. The first album I saw was “Made in India” by Alisha & then “Bolo Tararara” by Dhaler Mehandi But I still wonder how they rated them, because no online poll or SMS poll were available at that time. And for 6 months the song-“Pardesi” from the movie “Raja Hindustani” was there in top-ten. I hated that female voice after 4 months.

ETTAK: -

Expedition to the Animal Kingdom, or ETTAK I used to tell, used to give courtesy to some foreign channel and was telecasted every day morning. Hmmm well, it was same as that of programmes shown in Animal Planet.

Green Teen Quiz: -

This was quite an informative programme. I used to wait for this program which was in DD2 (or DD Metro?) at 7.30 PM. This was a quiz hosted by Barry O’Brien, for school students. I don’t know if the quiz master is relative of Mr. Derek O’Brien which conducts the Bournvita Quiz!

Jungle book: -

Rudyard Kipling was one of the foreign writers who were closely associated with India. And his work Jungle Book reveals it. I haven’t read the book so far, but Great Walt Disney helped me with a cartoon series which was telecasted by Doordarshan. The title song, both in Hindi and Malayalam were popular those days. I used to love Wednesdays because Wednesdays meant Cartoons for me, out of which one was Jungle Book. Wednesday evening 6 O Clock, in regional language! The numbers of characters were really epical. Mowgli, his siblings-Akru & Sura and their mom, the wolves’ leader Akela, sweet panda-Kitchi, the blackie Bageera, Bhaalu the bear, Kaa the snake, Thabaaki the timid helper of villain, the mighty Sher Khan. The BGM when Sher Khan arrived was royal, am in search of that ring tone in factL.

Little mermaid: -

I remember it well; it was telecasted in DD, on Tuesday evenings. The story of Underworld…. Oops! Water world! A king, a beautiful princess & her friends-Sebastian the crab & Flounder the fish. I always used to think who could do the roles if it was made into a bollywood movie. Well, now the casting could be done like this- Amitabh Bacchan (The sea king), Aiswarya Rai Bacchan (The princess; I don’t like Ms Bacchan, still….), Johny Lever (Sebastian the crab) and I still have a doubt if flounder the fish is male or female (So the role goes to SRK or Karan Johar!)

Mahabharath: -

I don’t remember much of this series, because I was just 3.5 years old at that time. But I do remember “Yadha Yadha hi dharmassya!” this is from where I learnt two lines from Bhagavad-Gita for the first time. I have heard people telling that old people used to do prayers and pooja in front of TV on Sundays (Yeah Yeah I am exaggerating!). My mom says that I never allowed her to watch that programme because by the time I hear the conch sound in the title song, I would start screaming! And who could forget great Mr. Nitish Bharadwaj who was Krishna in the series?

Shakthimaan: -

Sorry Shakthimaan! I am sorry to tell this. I used to hate this programme! For first few episodes I used to enjoy, but it became repetitive with all the Acid rain, Villains saying-“Andhera gaayam rahein!” Still, I used to see it. I had no other option because cable TV was far a luxury. I liked Mukesh Khanna who did a magnificent role as Bheeshma in Mahabharata. Even though comical and people used to make fun, Shakthiman managed to make an impact being the first super hero (as far as my knowledge is concerned!)

Surabhi: -

Every Sunday at 9PM; (hope I got the time right!), we (me & my family) used to be in front of TV for sure. We would wait for one graphic video where a maze reminding “Jantar Mantar” would appear, entering on which various snaps would appear those which remind anyone-“India”. In the end the logo of the programme would come which I used to call “Mysore Sandal Soap” because it looks the same. This was one good informative programme the stars of which were “Mr. Siddharth Kak & Ms. Renuka Shahane used to think that they were married couple! Well, the episodes used to feed people with good amount of knowledge, showed variety of places, variety of people. I do remember me beaming when they telecasted one feature on Kerala. Was feeling so happy. It’s not that I did not or do not like other states or languages, just an “am happy am home” feeling.

TaleSpin: -

animation story of Baloo (Same Baloo from jungle book), Louis the bar owner and Sher Khan the business Tycoon. Baloo used to be a pilot of Plane, the name of which was like that of some birds (I don’t remember the name of the plane & the city in which the stories used to happen!)

Tehkikaath: -

“Tehkikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath, ye hain tehakeeeekaaaaaaaaaaaaaath!!!!” For me this was Indian Sherlock Holmes Story at that time. I am sorry if you are a Sherlock Holmes Fan! I haven’t read any Sherlock Holmes story except, “The Hound of Baskervilles”. He was Inspector Sam De Silva who used to keep me on tip of chair with the help of his assistant-Gopi, who used to eat a lollypop always! (In fact the stories used to keep me on the chair-tip). Two stories which I would never forget were that of a woman named Neha waking up from sleep exactly at 3 AM and cutting ladies’ finger and that of one John Pereira who scares a housewife by coming out of a bath tub. Both these episodes have managed to send chill through my spine.

Yug: -

Yug was a serial which I used to see only during my vacation time & exam time. The prime reason was the time. Every weekday at 3.00PM. It was about the freedom struggle of India. It used to inspire me a lot, especially the title song-“Yug Badla Hindustan!”

There were few other series like “Shanti” (which shot Ms. Mandira Bedi into fame) which was aired on week day at 2 PM. Then a series called “Farz”, “Om Namah Shivaya”, “Sri Krishna”, “Jai Hanuman”, “Raja aur rancho”, “Chithrahaar, “Rangoli” and “Pingu” the penguin. Then there used to be an interesting programme named-“The turning point” anchored by Mr.Girish Karnad!

When it comes to Malayalam, there were many programmes like Chithrageetham, Thiranottam, Oru Kudayum Kunjupengalum, Arabi kadalinte Rani, Shasthra Kauthukam!

I know there are a few more to list out!

Of course above all these programmes, there were few advertisements which are there in our minds. Especially, the ones like

Bajaj: - “Yeh zameen ye aasmaan…..”

Complan:- “But am growing mommy!” and “I am complan girl, I am a complan boy!”

Lichad Pappad: - A big rabbit used to be present in this ad and in a nasal sound, it used to tell- “Hmmmmm! Lichad Pappad!”

Rasna: - with the tagline-“I Love you Rasna!”

Vicco: - “Vicco turmeric, Ayur-cosmetic….” & “Vicco Vajradanthi!”

Plus, there were many time fillers like “Mile sur mera tumhara”, “Bhaje Sargam” “Ek Chidiya” & “Hum honge kaamyaab!”

These time-fillers weren’t mere fillers, but also conveyed some messages regarding “Unity in Diversity”. It does sound like a cliché; still on hearing takes us 15-20 years back….

CUSTOMERS!!!

Anticipatory Bail: - This post can be read by anyone who has got a small banking experience as a customer as well as a banker. This is only from the point of view of “banker in me” and based on my banking experience. I maybe wrong for the reason that i have very low experience in hand. But still, based on by observation I have categorized the customers as follows:

(That sounded like the beginning of a bull-shitty answer of essay question bombarded with stories being attempted by a management student in his/her exam right? Kya karoon? Old habits die hard. I remember one of the comments I received on my answer sheet-“Highly inflammable”.)

01.    I am/was also a banker

There are few people who react with a “See, I was also a banker!” kind of attitude when I explain my difficulty in rendering any particular banking service.

So what! What if you are, were or will be a banker? If you are/ were one, you could be empathetic dude! Step into my shoes, and don’t create pain by stepping on it! You would/should know the problems we bankers are facing inside the counter! (Which we inform our customers as “technical difficulties” and this term really help if the customer doesn’t know much English!)

These guys think to be smart. Remember they only think they’re smart and trouble-making part is that they don’t act like one! These guys lack patience and ultimately end up in increasing my BP and making me a patient!

02.    You weren’t even born when I joined/started my account in this bank

The people who are “bit” aged. They are those who show an attitude that-“Hey young fella! Do you know who I am? Do you know my experience and exposure? Do you know that you weren’t even born when i started my account in this bank? My account number and passbook are older than you! My banking experience is of your age dude!”

So, what is your point dear customer? Are you complaining about your age? That’s the result of the fault or series of faults made by your parents and not any of my “technical difficulties”! Why are you showing the irritation on me? Or is it that you wanna show that you are aged? Then why do you dye your hair?

03.    I only believe/I will only contact the manager

If you want pain in all the sacred parts of your body, meet these people. They believe they are the most important customers of the bank. For balance enquiry over the phone too, they need managers! I wouldn’t completely blame the customers for that. To some extent managers become the damagers.

They will also try screwing you if you mess with them by directly running into manager’s cabin to raise the complaint.

For instance, he will come & ask you the account balance. You reply. He immediately goes to the manager. Manager, lazy to log-in calls you and ask you the balance. You will again have to tell the account balance to the customer. It’s sooooooooooooo irritating. Because you have to tell him twice and he behaves as if you have no credibility! And he never observes that the manager gets his balance and other account details from you. It is a vicious cycle.

04.    I want change or drunken monkeys

No! It’s not the change from daily routine he asks for. But change for cash. He’ll come after office hours, once the cash is closed and asks for change. He’ll most probably in “drunken monkey” style where you could smell booze 100 yards away. He’ll give you 100 rupee note for change. You’ll check your wallet for change and disappoint him by returning him the note. He’ll be adamant that he’ll leave the place only after receiving the change because you assured him that you’ll get him change just by taking the currency note from him.

When talking about drunken people, you may have to face a person who seeks help from you for withdrawal of money from his account with XYZ bank, whereas you work for ABC bank!

05.    NRIs educated

Such cases are cake-walk provided they receive all the services well. Also, make sure you reply to their mails properly. And most of them are sensible enough to understand what you say. Still, when on a face-to-face with him, it is too hard for him to avoid his sarcasm on Indians as if we the people living in India are nowhere near to what other people are. (These are only exceptional cases. Everyone is not so!). They regularly complain about the temperature, climate, and cleanliness on a regular basis (as if a doctor has prescribed them to do so once after breakfast, lunch & dinner). They pronounce the letter-“Z” quite differently from that of normal Indians. We are taught to pronounce it as “ISSAID” where as the actual pronunciation is “ZEE” and sorry that the latter is the right one.

06.    NRIs illiterate/uneducated

They are really interesting! You can identify them by the smell of “Air freshener”. Yeah they’ll smell of room freshener when they are 50 metres away from you. I always wonder if they purposefully spray half bottle of these stuffs on them or if it happens because of the reason they can’t read/understand what’s written on the bottle. Uneducated NRIs can easily be identified by their “English” if one comes and ask-“I need to open and NRE account and I need internet banking.” Then the bank employee after receiving all the required documents, photographs and forms will ask-“Sir, can i have your email ID.”.

The NRI as if the employee had asked for his property –“You wanna have my what?”

Bank Employee    -           Email ID sir!

NRI                      -           Sorry I don’t have that and have never had any email service.

BE (in his mind)   -           I never asked if you ever have had any surgery for piles dude because your face says so! How the hell you’re gonna use the Net-Banking facility then?

Plus these guys always give something to remember and laugh about. And i did tell about their English right? One incident happened last week. We have installed a new music system in our branch through which soft instrumental music flow. So, one NRI approached us to open one account and I saw that he was enjoying the music. I gave him a smile. Suddenly he started talking to me and was too garrulous about music and remarked that the music “Calmified” and quieted him.

“Calmified? Dude is it the word ‘calmed’ which you meant? If a pure malayalee hears this word he/she would feel you are being sexually harassed!”

Another instance happened during the last IPL season in which Kochi team did the debut (and I think that’s the only season they play). One NRI wanted to get tickets for the match and asked if it was available at our branch. And on disappointing him he told he’ll get it from their sponsoring bank in which he’s having another account. Next week he returned with his son and told us in ‘pure English’-“Hey! I got the tickets and have watched the match live at the stadium too. And guess what! I and Vinu (his son’s name!) got our balls signed by cricketers!”

The customer was telling the truth and he and his son showed their balls to me. They really look soft and moreover, cool with the signature on them. I mean the tennis balls which they use to play cricket indoors! I had no other option but to laugh my heart out and couldn’t control it.

And another time, Vinu who got his balls signed visited our branch with his mom who didn’t have a ball to get it signed. At that point of time, the song from Guru-barso re was being played. In between a line comes-“Nannaare nannaare!” and after listening to it, that son of gun started singing-“Nannaari! Nannaari! Nannaari! Sarbathe!” Don’t know how, being an NRI completely born and brought up outside India, he knows about “Nannaari Sarbath (Rooh Afza in Hindi), but loved his imagination if he purposefully cooked it up.

These people, whether or not they have matriculation certificate, do have a passport and visa! Such people should be Non-Returning Indians (Courtesy: Movie Swadesh) rather than Non-resident Indians.

07. I don’t have passbook, account statement, ATM card, cheque book, don’t remember the account number

These people fixate on few particular words & sentence the starting of which would be like-“I wanna withdraw money” as if he has been stoned.

Banker                  -           Sir! Your account number please!

Customer              -           I don’t know!

B                          -           Passbook?

C                          -           I forgot to bring it!

B                          -           Cheque book?

C                          -           It got drenched and apparently it was torn (and gives a wry smile!)

B                          -           ATM card sir?

C                          -           My son broke it

B (in mind)           -           Oh next time feed your dog, the plastic card.

B                          -           Your name sir?

C                          -           Mr. So & so. (Thank god! He could remember his name! He’s not drunk)

C                          -           How many questions you would ask a “good” customer like me for a single withdrawal?

B (in his mind)     -           You !@$%^&*()! How many questions will you make a “good banker” like me ask for a single withdrawal?

08.    “I’ll put money, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw,& update the passbook after months”

Welcome to the world of real exercise! And it means exercise if they have passbooks which are to be updated by writing. People put money, withdraw now and then from ATM and every other possible source, then bring the passbook after years to update them and wouldn’t leave till they get it updated. They never harm your business, neither do they boost!

09.    One who thinks he/she is smart and is smart

A tough nut to crack because he thinks he’s smart, he actually is smart and you are not! He bullies you with all sorts of sensible doubts which you would be unable to answer.

10.    One who thinks he/she is smart but is not

Again a tough nut to crack because he thinks he’s smart, he actually is not and you also are not! He bullies you with all sorts of “nonsensible” doubts which you would be unable to answer.

11.    Pleasant.

You can very well assist them with a smiley face. Not a fake one! They quite understand you well and communication is always easy with them. They teem with patience and you would definitely feel bad if you make them wait!