CUSTOMERS!!!

Anticipatory Bail: - This post can be read by anyone who has got a small banking experience as a customer as well as a banker. This is only from the point of view of “banker in me” and based on my banking experience. I maybe wrong for the reason that i have very low experience in hand. But still, based on by observation I have categorized the customers as follows:

(That sounded like the beginning of a bull-shitty answer of essay question bombarded with stories being attempted by a management student in his/her exam right? Kya karoon? Old habits die hard. I remember one of the comments I received on my answer sheet-“Highly inflammable”.)

01.    I am/was also a banker

There are few people who react with a “See, I was also a banker!” kind of attitude when I explain my difficulty in rendering any particular banking service.

So what! What if you are, were or will be a banker? If you are/ were one, you could be empathetic dude! Step into my shoes, and don’t create pain by stepping on it! You would/should know the problems we bankers are facing inside the counter! (Which we inform our customers as “technical difficulties” and this term really help if the customer doesn’t know much English!)

These guys think to be smart. Remember they only think they’re smart and trouble-making part is that they don’t act like one! These guys lack patience and ultimately end up in increasing my BP and making me a patient!

02.    You weren’t even born when I joined/started my account in this bank

The people who are “bit” aged. They are those who show an attitude that-“Hey young fella! Do you know who I am? Do you know my experience and exposure? Do you know that you weren’t even born when i started my account in this bank? My account number and passbook are older than you! My banking experience is of your age dude!”

So, what is your point dear customer? Are you complaining about your age? That’s the result of the fault or series of faults made by your parents and not any of my “technical difficulties”! Why are you showing the irritation on me? Or is it that you wanna show that you are aged? Then why do you dye your hair?

03.    I only believe/I will only contact the manager

If you want pain in all the sacred parts of your body, meet these people. They believe they are the most important customers of the bank. For balance enquiry over the phone too, they need managers! I wouldn’t completely blame the customers for that. To some extent managers become the damagers.

They will also try screwing you if you mess with them by directly running into manager’s cabin to raise the complaint.

For instance, he will come & ask you the account balance. You reply. He immediately goes to the manager. Manager, lazy to log-in calls you and ask you the balance. You will again have to tell the account balance to the customer. It’s sooooooooooooo irritating. Because you have to tell him twice and he behaves as if you have no credibility! And he never observes that the manager gets his balance and other account details from you. It is a vicious cycle.

04.    I want change or drunken monkeys

No! It’s not the change from daily routine he asks for. But change for cash. He’ll come after office hours, once the cash is closed and asks for change. He’ll most probably in “drunken monkey” style where you could smell booze 100 yards away. He’ll give you 100 rupee note for change. You’ll check your wallet for change and disappoint him by returning him the note. He’ll be adamant that he’ll leave the place only after receiving the change because you assured him that you’ll get him change just by taking the currency note from him.

When talking about drunken people, you may have to face a person who seeks help from you for withdrawal of money from his account with XYZ bank, whereas you work for ABC bank!

05.    NRIs educated

Such cases are cake-walk provided they receive all the services well. Also, make sure you reply to their mails properly. And most of them are sensible enough to understand what you say. Still, when on a face-to-face with him, it is too hard for him to avoid his sarcasm on Indians as if we the people living in India are nowhere near to what other people are. (These are only exceptional cases. Everyone is not so!). They regularly complain about the temperature, climate, and cleanliness on a regular basis (as if a doctor has prescribed them to do so once after breakfast, lunch & dinner). They pronounce the letter-“Z” quite differently from that of normal Indians. We are taught to pronounce it as “ISSAID” where as the actual pronunciation is “ZEE” and sorry that the latter is the right one.

06.    NRIs illiterate/uneducated

They are really interesting! You can identify them by the smell of “Air freshener”. Yeah they’ll smell of room freshener when they are 50 metres away from you. I always wonder if they purposefully spray half bottle of these stuffs on them or if it happens because of the reason they can’t read/understand what’s written on the bottle. Uneducated NRIs can easily be identified by their “English” if one comes and ask-“I need to open and NRE account and I need internet banking.” Then the bank employee after receiving all the required documents, photographs and forms will ask-“Sir, can i have your email ID.”.

The NRI as if the employee had asked for his property –“You wanna have my what?”

Bank Employee    -           Email ID sir!

NRI                      -           Sorry I don’t have that and have never had any email service.

BE (in his mind)   -           I never asked if you ever have had any surgery for piles dude because your face says so! How the hell you’re gonna use the Net-Banking facility then?

Plus these guys always give something to remember and laugh about. And i did tell about their English right? One incident happened last week. We have installed a new music system in our branch through which soft instrumental music flow. So, one NRI approached us to open one account and I saw that he was enjoying the music. I gave him a smile. Suddenly he started talking to me and was too garrulous about music and remarked that the music “Calmified” and quieted him.

“Calmified? Dude is it the word ‘calmed’ which you meant? If a pure malayalee hears this word he/she would feel you are being sexually harassed!”

Another instance happened during the last IPL season in which Kochi team did the debut (and I think that’s the only season they play). One NRI wanted to get tickets for the match and asked if it was available at our branch. And on disappointing him he told he’ll get it from their sponsoring bank in which he’s having another account. Next week he returned with his son and told us in ‘pure English’-“Hey! I got the tickets and have watched the match live at the stadium too. And guess what! I and Vinu (his son’s name!) got our balls signed by cricketers!”

The customer was telling the truth and he and his son showed their balls to me. They really look soft and moreover, cool with the signature on them. I mean the tennis balls which they use to play cricket indoors! I had no other option but to laugh my heart out and couldn’t control it.

And another time, Vinu who got his balls signed visited our branch with his mom who didn’t have a ball to get it signed. At that point of time, the song from Guru-barso re was being played. In between a line comes-“Nannaare nannaare!” and after listening to it, that son of gun started singing-“Nannaari! Nannaari! Nannaari! Sarbathe!” Don’t know how, being an NRI completely born and brought up outside India, he knows about “Nannaari Sarbath (Rooh Afza in Hindi), but loved his imagination if he purposefully cooked it up.

These people, whether or not they have matriculation certificate, do have a passport and visa! Such people should be Non-Returning Indians (Courtesy: Movie Swadesh) rather than Non-resident Indians.

07. I don’t have passbook, account statement, ATM card, cheque book, don’t remember the account number

These people fixate on few particular words & sentence the starting of which would be like-“I wanna withdraw money” as if he has been stoned.

Banker                  -           Sir! Your account number please!

Customer              -           I don’t know!

B                          -           Passbook?

C                          -           I forgot to bring it!

B                          -           Cheque book?

C                          -           It got drenched and apparently it was torn (and gives a wry smile!)

B                          -           ATM card sir?

C                          -           My son broke it

B (in mind)           -           Oh next time feed your dog, the plastic card.

B                          -           Your name sir?

C                          -           Mr. So & so. (Thank god! He could remember his name! He’s not drunk)

C                          -           How many questions you would ask a “good” customer like me for a single withdrawal?

B (in his mind)     -           You !@$%^&*()! How many questions will you make a “good banker” like me ask for a single withdrawal?

08.    “I’ll put money, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw,& update the passbook after months”

Welcome to the world of real exercise! And it means exercise if they have passbooks which are to be updated by writing. People put money, withdraw now and then from ATM and every other possible source, then bring the passbook after years to update them and wouldn’t leave till they get it updated. They never harm your business, neither do they boost!

09.    One who thinks he/she is smart and is smart

A tough nut to crack because he thinks he’s smart, he actually is smart and you are not! He bullies you with all sorts of sensible doubts which you would be unable to answer.

10.    One who thinks he/she is smart but is not

Again a tough nut to crack because he thinks he’s smart, he actually is not and you also are not! He bullies you with all sorts of “nonsensible” doubts which you would be unable to answer.

11.    Pleasant.

You can very well assist them with a smiley face. Not a fake one! They quite understand you well and communication is always easy with them. They teem with patience and you would definitely feel bad if you make them wait!