Coconut shell, Bomb shell, Aluminium shell- All in a nutshell

“In the exam I was asked the past tense of think... I thought... thought... thought.... Didn’t get the answer and wrote the answer-“THONK”
Courtesy: Tintumon

There is a Tintumon in every mallu! Else these jokes wouldn’t have been soooooooooo famous... Who knows if people are using poor Tintu for all teasers that happened in their life?

So on to blogosphere after months...
Phew! What a beautiful day it was! Hope I have more on or hope I am moron!... The day started with a bang! Woke up seeing most beautiful dream one could ever have. There was a beautiful girl lying on a bed... She was shedding tears... And suddenly I realize that she’s one of my good friends’ spouse. I start consoling him. NO! Not for having a beautiful wife... but for the fact that she had had an abortion for which she is crying!

Don’t laugh! It’s not at all funny. You won’t feel bAD, sAD or glAD to be woken up by such a dream! It is awkward! $h!t... It should have been awkwAD! It would have turned out to be a nice rhyme!. So I woke up seeing this awkward dream... It took me 5 minutes to come out of the shock.... Yeah! Yeah! It is a real shocker! I started my routine by brushing my teeth Yup I do have that good habit! Move on you jerk.... it is an old joke! By that time the junk food stuff which I ate was doing its job inside my belly...I hardly heard what the waiter told its name was... It sounded like Cheese Bilitha-bilitha brilllllll..... Even the dirrrra njack-njack sound made by the shepherds in India to guide the cattle sounds better! I don’t know why that stuff tasted paint. And I really have a doubt if it contained coconut shell... I was finding it really tough to empty my belly in spite of having tendency to... Who knows if the coconut shell got stuck somewhere in the digestive system... I ultimately had to give up the “effort” and went downstairs to have a cup of coffee! It may help! But not definitely today!

I then went out to clean my two-wheeler... The sky has been white by that time... The sun was beaming from the east while the Sodium vapour lamp from the west. I went out to switch off the lamp and walked towards the pole. In residential areas which are in interiors of corporation or municipalities the citizens are EB workers in certain instances like these! The residents either have to pluck the fuse or have to switch the light off, provided it has got a switch. I was there at the pole and saw a beautiful sight. Not the beautiful sight which I saw in dream. One good German shepherd was staring at me. And it was let loose and unfortunately I didn’t see any grill or gate in between us. I stood there for five seconds as if I was practicing for tableau in which I was going to represent the statue of liberty. Regaining my sense, I turned and bilchick-clichik! There were two paws on my chest, on which the whole weight of dog was concentrated at, pushed me back two feet. He was restless and was climbing further. God! I appeared like a ladder to this K9! Yup the same one which helps you to move from 11 to 34 in “snake & ladder”, the smallest one considering my height. The mouth of that doggy was reaching the middle of chest. Thank god I am not tall like the ladder which takes you from 23 to 89. Else the mouth would have been in some other “right” part. “Wrong” from my point of view. Finally the owner of the dog came out of his house taking the SOB away... Don’t stare! He really is an S-O-B... The owner asked if I was okay! I really wanted to raise my middle finger at him for letting the dog loose! But considering the good deed he did by taking his dog away I had to tell him thanks while wiping my sweat away. I also was considering the dog’s good deed of breaking the coconut shell which was stuck earlier in my digestive system. You should really give a try in case if you have got constipation.

So I was back to my routine after a bashing start! Got ready and rode the two-wheeler to Ernakulam station. On the way there were many potholes and a road is there which is named “Karshaka road” which means farmers’ road. Nice foresight of the ones who christened the road with such a name. It really looks like a ploughed land with potholes alone in big and small sizes. I like to add one “O” in between the word pothole. A smart mallu would know where to insert the vowel and what it means! Now, for the kind information of those practicing for reality singing shows, you should really practice riding on the road. Early morning, ride through this road, making the “AAAAAAAAAAA” sound. All the so called “Sangathikal” will flow into your throat. And it may also help to break the coconut shells (if any) stuck inside you.

Then I was inside the train which takes me daily to my work place except Sundays and public holidays by the way. I have a bad habit of reading books in the train. It is a bad habit the reason for which is gonna be told right now. Twenty minutes passed by and I lost my concentration on the book hearing a hissssssssssssssss which sounded like rattle snakes which Steve Irwin used to catch hold of in Discovery Channel and Animal Planet. The train had reached Edappilly station and unusually the train was outside the platform. The station has got two platforms and the train was not on the first, nor on the second, not even on those two tracks between these two platforms. It was on a track which was on the backside of second platform. Now only I realized that there was a railway track there and the hissing sound was that of the prairie brushing against the train compartments. If there was a foreigner from that station to board the train, I could have greeted him with-“Namaste! Welcome to India and congratulations for finding out the train. You can now have the value of the ticket you are holding” This station is in middle of city. The train doesn’t run on to right platform plus you have to board the train by finding it out in between the woods. He would never expect a jungle in middle of city.

Everyone was getting fussy about the train halting in middle of forest. By that time I was fussy about the person who was sitting opposite me. It was a girl who was really a bomb shell. This is why I called the book reading habit “BAAAAAAAAAAAD!” But she kept talking to a nerd who was sitting beside her. He was wearing a Soda glass which we mallus fondly call the spectacles with thick glass. I am unaware how it is called in other parts of the world. On seeing his face itself one could plot down his character. He is a person who reads all the gadget widget magazine, whose job when at home is only to sit in front of laptop/desktop, whose friends talk only about giga-hertz mega-hertz 3G loading stuff, one who frequently comments on all latest English release, one who doesn’t enjoy watching a 3D movie but thinks and browses how a 3D movie camera works. He is another moron in the making. They both reminded me of a Tamil flick which got released in 2009. The hero sees the heroine in the train and plays guitar. But the only similarities here were that the instance had a train and there was a couple. The dissimilarities being:-

Movie

1. The compartment is neat.
2. The compartment is sleeper class.
3. Both hero and heroine balance each other in their looks
4. Night time
5. Hero plays guitar and composes beautiful song.

Real life

1. The compartment is dirty like hell
2. The compartment is general as Indian railways doesn’t provide sleeper facility in passenger trains
3. Total injustice!!!
4. Day time
5. Hero knows how to assemble an electric guitar if you give him a broken one except that it would be difficult for him to position strings at right place. Music is not at all there in his blood.

Back to my beauty, she was kind of sexy, cute and sweet. Wait a minute! Sweet? How does one judge a person as “Sweet” or for the matter of fact “Hot”? I don’t wanna go further. The conclusion is that she was extremely beautiful girl who looked like a Greek Goddess but was with a scientist looking like a Geek God!

Again there was a fuss near the bathroom door. The problem was that a man sat on the sack of banana chips and slept off. The owner came to know and checked if the chips remained chips but ultimately it turned out to be fried banana powder. Maybe he should have written “handle with care”. I have now made a decision that I would never ever eat banana chips unless I see it getting fried and packed or it is made at home. I don’t wanna eat banana chips powdered and soaked in the water from railway bathroom!

I have got a friend who is a nice person from Andhra who is also working in the same industry as mine. I met him here near my workplace a month back. Today it was time to meet his friend who was also from his state. He introduced me to the new friend as “funny guy”! Can you believe it? Me? Funny? The dialogue which came to my mind was-“Dude! Be a man!” Don’t ask me why!

So i reached my workplace which is totally fussy for past one week which is supposed to be followed by shifting of the premise to new spacious one. Today there was some top executive’s visit to see the “progresses” of the work which was the reason for the fuss, which made the face of my boss look as if he has drunk appy fizz mixed with grappy fizz! Finally the executive came, the acronym of whose designation coincided with that of manufacturer of Ambassador Cars in India. Imagine one telling-“That person is GM!” and gets a response-“Oh General Motors is a person’s name? I thought it to be company!”


He was in charge of administration, and looked like that of Bheem in Mahabharata (the max size one could imagine). He was seeing the interior work, took a paper weight and hit the cash counter railings. “WTF!” He was recollecting the old chemistry lessons to identify metal I guess. Metals on being hit makes ringing sound, is highly ductile and can be moulded into any shape. The last one was proved by our Bheem today. The part of the railing which was hit reminded me that of the “fizzed” off boss’ face. You could add a cup of locally made vodka into that mixture if possible.

Now I heard Bheem declaring the fact that the work is of inferior quality and the counter was mere aluminium shell. “F***********k” (the same F***********k as in fast-track advertisement). Honourable Bheem and other pandavas themselves gave us sanction for the order and they themselves declare that the sanction they have given is bull-shit. We should have hit on his fore-head with paper weight to make him realize that he was much more inferior in quality than poor aluminium.

When I was thinking about poor aluminium, Bheem was calling me Subramanium! “I am Subramanian! And my name never rhymes with Aluminium and you are watching too much of recent advertisements!” was the thought that came into my head.

After all the fuss I was back at Kochi city where the traffic was a big hell. I wondered what it would be like if I got stuck in that traffic for my life-time. Thankfully, the coaching I received during my post-graduation has taught me to think positively. I started thinking positively. The signal came on and traffic started moving swift. When it was a green signal for me “Spurrrrrrrrrssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh! It started raining cats, dogs and every other possible pet animal in the world. See the power of positive thinking? The rain made me think so positive that I just imagined how it would have been if land of monsoons have not received rains for past 24 years! I would never have seen rain! But I had enough of positive thinking when I realized that the cell-phone was getting drenched in the pant pocket. Never could I pull two-wheeler aside and wear rain-coat while it is a signal! Thankfully nothing happened to the phone.

So when am typing this it is still raining outside... The thought of curling under the quilt makes me excited!

So, I think it is better I stop here.
Goodnight.

NB: Pssss! Am good at exaggeration!