My chat with Mr. Facebook

Last day I had a small chat with Mr. Facebook. Not that founder Mark Zuckerberg you Zucker from the burrow! But the “Real-virtual” Facebook! My imaginative hallucination by the way, which goes as follows:-

Knock! Knock! (www.facebook.com)!

FB: - Yes who’s it? (Login ID & Password)

Me: - Login ID subru555@gmail.com

Password ***********

FB: - Welcome V Subramanian Venkedeswara Iyer!

Me: - Hey come on man! You would choke yourselves to death uttering my name! My name is “Subramanian V”. I was happy you asked my email ID, first name, last name, middle name, second name and nth name when we met the first time. But you made it too long. I have asked you many times to change my name to Subramanian V and you have asked for 24 hours’ time, MANY TIMES in last one and a half years. Orkut appears to be pretty descent in this case.

FB: - Old habits die hard dude! Why don’t you go to Orkut then?

Me: - Well you sound like me as a bank employee! You know pretty well that I am addicted to you right? Okay! Skip it! Gimme the pending notifications!

FB: - (Flips through various covers like a post-man!) Well… Mr. X wants be your friend aaaanddd…

Me: - Wait a minute! What do you mean by saying he wanna be my friend? He is already my friend! You need to change it to-“Mr. X says he is your friend! Accept or Decline?”

FB: - Duh! Should I necessarily answer that?

Me: - I Know you are belligerent! Continue you Jack ass!

FB: - And Ms. Gorgeous poked you!

Me: - Wow man! That sounds erotic!

FB: - ??

Me: - Nothing I have told her number of times not to poke me in front of you! It is supposed to be our private “thing” right? Wow! She poked me again? “Poke! Poke!” You know what? This word should be used as a deceptive word of using the “F” word in FB right? Like “Poke off!” “Pokeyaaaa!” “You’re poking irritating!” POKE! POKE! POKE!

FB: - Will you “Poking” stop that?

Me: - Hey when talking about poke, I should say there should have been a Puke option in FB. It could be used for dislike option. Like Mr. So & so puked on your wall! Mr. Tom puked on your wall photo. Mr. Dick puked on your comment. Mr. Harry puked on YOU!

FB: - Guess what, Mr. Someone wrote on your wall 9 hours ago!

Me: - Yeah, the paint on the wall would have dried by now! Writing on someone’s wall always sounds funny! I used to make score-board with the tender-most, undeveloped coconut on walls while waiting for my turn to bat in cricket. (Hope none of my neighbours are listening this conversation!) One day my mom saw me doing this and scolded me like hell for doing it, as the writings & Drawings on the wall created a nice blotch. The scolding killed my creativity. I always wanted to tell-“Come on Ma! I was a small kid whose brain was undeveloped like that coconut!”

FB: - Dude! You know what? Your brain is still like that of an undeveloped coconut. PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY!

Me: - POKE you! It is now a trend to write on the wall right? It could happen only in the virtual world, if I wrote on someone’s wall in real-life, like I did in FB, I would have been dead by now!

FB: - Shall I tell something, some people really feel like killing you even with what you do on Facebook. Now look! Mr. Selfish shared something.

Me: - That selfish β@$ŧ@®ɖ never shared anything in college with anyone. Books, Money, liquor, Bed (Oops!), for matter of fact even knowledge! Now it is free of cost and effortless sharing for him and he is sharing useless stupid car crashing videos? Can you give me some useful notifications?

FB: - Yeah Mr. Farmer sent you a Farmville request!

Me: - Do you ever listen to me at all? AT ALL? I said useful notifications! What is the use of farming in virtual world on top of someone’s house? I hate virtual games! And I heard you are going to add Angry Birds to you?

FB: - Well it is there in consideration I guess!

Me: - Man it sounds like keeping a condom vending machine inside a prostitute’s house!

FB: - WTF?

Me: - Yeah man! FB is pretty addictive! Angry Birds also too addictive! I guess someone will have to open de-addiction centers to make some people normal!

FB: - Dude! It is business!

Me: - Business? Do you know what the angry birds do? They destroy the walls to kill the dirty looking, dirty whining, green coloured Pigs! There would be no walls to write or comment on! You will be totally POKED up! The funniest part is that how much ever lovely these birds become, they don’t become love-birds, and they still would be angry birds!

FB: - Dude it is just a proposal!

Me: - Yeah I’m just warning!

FB: - Hey what’s in your mind?

Me: - I don’t know why you ask me this question?

FB: - Why? What happened?

Me: - I can’t tell you what is in my mind! Do you think I can blurt out whatever is there in my mind? People will call me pervert dude!

FB: - Ha ha

Me: - Have you seen the movie matrix?

FB: - Yeah! I have got access to you-tube. I have seen!

Me: - I always wonder, just like what happens in that movie, what if one day Morpheus turns up in front of me and tells-“Mr. “Neo”-manian whatever that seems to be real life is all illusion! The real life is FACEBOOK!”

FB: - That is what the truth is!

Me: - What? Don’t tell me you are Morpheus!

FB: - What if I am?

Me: - Stop it! That sounds weird & Scary! Sorry I started this topic!

FB: - Ha! Ha!

Me: - Don’t laugh like that you junk-head! Got to go now! Bye!

LOGGED OUT!