My Railway Diaries

God! The title really sounds like an auto-biography of a retired railway station master. Hmmm am afraid my age is not equal to a retired station master’s service. Oh k! Don’t start calculating or for the matter of fact guessing my age. I am just giving you a notion that this is not a post of such case!

I have been travelling in train to reach my work-place & back home for past 1.5 years. I would just like to share few incidents those which are in my mind. I know the time-period of 1.5 years is too short to be called “Diaries”. Still… you have to tolerate whatever the author say. I have the liberty to do so! I know you have the liberty to stop reading here! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase!!!!! Continue reading!!! Am begging!

Thank you for continuing! So where should I start? Hmmm yes! I have mentioned two incidents in a post which I made almost a year before. Let’s start with it. It will help those who have not read that post. Plus I can fill up some space dammit! That is what I used to do for exams!!! Fill up the spaces with bull-shit!

I was inside the train which takes me daily to my work place except Sundays and public holidays by the way. I have a bad habit of reading books in the train. It is a bad habit the reason for which is going to be told right now. Twenty minutes passed by and I lost my concentration on the book hearing a hissssssssssssssss which sounded like rattle snakes which Steve Irwin used to catch hold of in Discovery Channel and Animal Planet. The train had reached Edappilly station and unusually the train was outside the platform. The station has got two platforms and the train was not on the first, nor on the second, not even on those two tracks between these two platforms. It was on a track which was on the backside of second platform. Now only I realised that there was a railway track there and the hissing sound was that of the prairie brushing against the train compartments. If there was a foreigner from that station to board the train, I could have greeted him with-“Namaste! Welcome to India and congratulations for finding out the train. You can now have the value of the ticket you are holding” This station is in middle of city. The train doesn’t run on to right platform plus you have to board the train by finding it out in between the woods. He would never expect a jungle in middle of city.

Everyone was getting fussy about the train halting in middle of forest. By that time I was fussy about the person who was sitting opposite me. It was a girl who was really a bomb shell. This is why I called the book reading habit “BAAAAAAAAAAAD!” But she kept talking to a nerd who was sitting beside her. He was wearing a Soda glass which we mallus fondly call the spectacles with thick glass. I am unaware how it is called in other parts of the world. On seeing his face itself one could plot down his character. He is a person who reads all the gadget widget magazine, whose job when at home is only to sit in front of laptop/desktop, whose friends talk only about giga-hertz mega-hertz 3G loading stuff, one who frequently comments on all latest English release, one who doesn’t enjoy watching a 3D movie but thinks and browses how a 3D movie camera works. He is another moron in the making. They both reminded me of a Tamil flick which got released in 2009. The hero sees the heroine in the train and plays guitar. But the only similarities here were that the instance had a train and there was a couple. The dissimilarities being:-

In movie, the compartment is neat. In real life- The compartment is dirty like hell. In movie, the compartment is sleeper class. In real life- The compartment is general as Indian railways don’t provide sleeper facility in passenger trains. In movie- both hero and heroine balance each other in their looks. In real life- Total injustice!!! In movie it’s night time. In real life it’s day time. In movie-Hero plays guitar and composes beautiful song. In real life- Hero knows how to assemble an electric guitar if you give him a broken one except that it would be difficult for him to position strings at right place. Music is not at all there in his blood.

The conclusion is that she was extremely beautiful girl who looked like a Greek Goddess but was with a scientist looking like a GEEK God!

Again there was a fuss near the bathroom door. The problem was that a man sat on the sack of banana chips and slept off. The owner came to know and checked if the chips remained chips but ultimately it turned out to be fried banana powder. Maybe he should have written “handle with care”. I have now made a decision that I would never ever eat banana chips unless I see it getting fried and packed or it is made at home. I don’t want to eat banana chips powdered and soaked in the water from railway bathroom!

So talking about reading books while travelling in train, it is good that you are not wasting time. Err! Sorry am not wasting time, but in few instances it really is bad. One I was reading a hilarious book-“God save the dork!” you find it hard to put the book down once you start reading it! I was so engrossed that I didn’t see “The Stone Cold Steve Austin” sitting opposite to me. So I was reading this book, and a point before my station, I closed the book and saw this person who was not at all moving (Just like a Stone) and I baptized him the name-Steve Austin. So he was a Stone Called Steve Austin. This person was lacking 2 beer cans which the real Stone Cold would drink before WWE championship matches. I took my Lap-top bag which I use to take to my office and put the book in. Our Steve suddenly got up started staring at me fiercely and folded his arms across his chest. He scared the shit out of me and told-“Ttttttttttttttthhisssssssssssssssssss bbbbbbbbbppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag is miiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!” I was like-“God! Shut up dude. This is mine and I took it from the place where I kept it” and slid my hand in. Something slimy touched my hand. I was wondering if he drank that 2 cans of beer and threw up inside the bag! My face was like that of KPAC Sunny in the Malayalam movie-“Naaduvaazhikal”.

For those who have not seen that movie or scene, let me explain. Sunny belongs to villain side, plays a trick to trap the hero-“Arjun” played by Laalettan. The trap was that a packet of gold bars will be hidden in the flush tank of Arjun’s house. Sunny is an income tax officer (or vigilance???) who comes to catch Arjun for keeping gold illegally at his house. But our hero has already known this and has swapped the packet with a packet filled with Dog-shit! Sunny takes the opaque packet and slides his hand in. And rest can be imagined by you!

So I was wondering why he has thrown up inside my bag and took my hand out instantaneously! Thankfully this doesn’t smell shit! But gave a sweet aroma of coconut chutney! Stone Cold Steve Austin and Coconut chutney- a wild combination! It was his bag which looked same as that of mine! I apologised and laughed off that embarrassing situation!

There is a bearded guy whom I meet now and then in the train. This person hails from Thrissur-the cultural capital of Kerala! Never takes bath, and stinks like septic tank! And this person is really proud of the heritage of Thrissur and most often get on my nerves! Plus he looks down on people from other parts of the world! Pretty sarcastic too! Once he irritated me and other fellow passengers with a senseless poem which he sang to the tune of “Why this Kolaveri Di!” Can you imagine it? A big shit in the tune of deep shit! And when asked to stop, he told in a royal way- “This is literature dude! Only people with cultural heritage can understand! Blah blah blah blah!” I blasted him with a few dialogues like- “Yeah I know about the culture of Thrissur people like you! Drinking and dancing to the tune of drums! Is that what you call culture? This is not heritage. This is barbarianism. This is stroppiness!” Wow!  What a relief it gave me! I felt like telling Mammootty’s dialogue from the movie-The King-“This is castration! This is slavery!” (Goosebumps!) I know no one can equal Mammootty in dialogue deliveries like this. But at least in my mind, allow me to be him for a while!

Can you imagine someone with bad voice trying to sing the humming of the song-“Harimuraleeravam”? (Suppose a person like me?) Oh keep imagining! While singing that humming part, what will happen if he is hit hard on his stomach? The same is the problem with one beggar! He keeps making a noise as if he was hit hard while singing! (Sounds like Bbbhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”) There was one faculty from Kerala in our college who once argued that we won’t able to find even a single beggar while travelling in Kerala in train. With all due respect sir, on hearing this person’s sound, I really feel like slapping this person and hitting you! Right on the nose! I would hit you on your nose so hard, that you would look like Voldermort!

Have you seen any corpse on the railway track? Such an incident happened to me once! Just before reaching my target place, the train stopped with a screeching noise! Everyone was totally taken aback by the way train stopped! Again the Greek goddess and geek god were sitting opposite me. (God! Why is it that this girl is near me when there is always some fuss?) I kept looking at her and drooled, while few people in a bunch of five were carrying something and placed it on the platform near me. I remember seeing a body without head and legs. That is all I remember! The next thing I remember is the geek god shaking me and sprinkling water on me! He told me next day that I came down on my knees from the seat and he thought that I was searching for something! (Come on man! For 5 minutes without moving?) I gave him a fake smile and looked at the Goddess! She was laughing at me as if she was seeing stand-alone comedy show or something!

I always wonder why there is a need for ladies’ compartment in trains. I mean, we people like to enjoy seeing the ladies and few more Goddesses. Jokes apart, the ladies compartment is like fixing target for all the atrocities to be aimed at! In past few months many women’s life were taken by people, as reported by mass-media! We need to remember that only a few are being reported whereas many go un-noticed. There are few attention-seekers who purposefully create such instances and go gaga on the Media cameras! I don’t dedicate this post to such people (though it doesn’t make much difference to their lives!)

May God in the form of humanity, save the family members of the victims of such unfortunate instances!