My chat with Mr. Facebook

Last day I had a small chat with Mr. Facebook. Not that founder Mark Zuckerberg you Zucker from the burrow! But the “Real-virtual” Facebook! My imaginative hallucination by the way, which goes as follows:-

Knock! Knock! (www.facebook.com)!

FB: - Yes who’s it? (Login ID & Password)

Me: - Login ID subru555@gmail.com

Password ***********

FB: - Welcome V Subramanian Venkedeswara Iyer!

Me: - Hey come on man! You would choke yourselves to death uttering my name! My name is “Subramanian V”. I was happy you asked my email ID, first name, last name, middle name, second name and nth name when we met the first time. But you made it too long. I have asked you many times to change my name to Subramanian V and you have asked for 24 hours’ time, MANY TIMES in last one and a half years. Orkut appears to be pretty descent in this case.

FB: - Old habits die hard dude! Why don’t you go to Orkut then?

Me: - Well you sound like me as a bank employee! You know pretty well that I am addicted to you right? Okay! Skip it! Gimme the pending notifications!

FB: - (Flips through various covers like a post-man!) Well… Mr. X wants be your friend aaaanddd…

Me: - Wait a minute! What do you mean by saying he wanna be my friend? He is already my friend! You need to change it to-“Mr. X says he is your friend! Accept or Decline?”

FB: - Duh! Should I necessarily answer that?

Me: - I Know you are belligerent! Continue you Jack ass!

FB: - And Ms. Gorgeous poked you!

Me: - Wow man! That sounds erotic!

FB: - ??

Me: - Nothing I have told her number of times not to poke me in front of you! It is supposed to be our private “thing” right? Wow! She poked me again? “Poke! Poke!” You know what? This word should be used as a deceptive word of using the “F” word in FB right? Like “Poke off!” “Pokeyaaaa!” “You’re poking irritating!” POKE! POKE! POKE!

FB: - Will you “Poking” stop that?

Me: - Hey when talking about poke, I should say there should have been a Puke option in FB. It could be used for dislike option. Like Mr. So & so puked on your wall! Mr. Tom puked on your wall photo. Mr. Dick puked on your comment. Mr. Harry puked on YOU!

FB: - Guess what, Mr. Someone wrote on your wall 9 hours ago!

Me: - Yeah, the paint on the wall would have dried by now! Writing on someone’s wall always sounds funny! I used to make score-board with the tender-most, undeveloped coconut on walls while waiting for my turn to bat in cricket. (Hope none of my neighbours are listening this conversation!) One day my mom saw me doing this and scolded me like hell for doing it, as the writings & Drawings on the wall created a nice blotch. The scolding killed my creativity. I always wanted to tell-“Come on Ma! I was a small kid whose brain was undeveloped like that coconut!”

FB: - Dude! You know what? Your brain is still like that of an undeveloped coconut. PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY!

Me: - POKE you! It is now a trend to write on the wall right? It could happen only in the virtual world, if I wrote on someone’s wall in real-life, like I did in FB, I would have been dead by now!

FB: - Shall I tell something, some people really feel like killing you even with what you do on Facebook. Now look! Mr. Selfish shared something.

Me: - That selfish β@$ŧ@®ɖ never shared anything in college with anyone. Books, Money, liquor, Bed (Oops!), for matter of fact even knowledge! Now it is free of cost and effortless sharing for him and he is sharing useless stupid car crashing videos? Can you give me some useful notifications?

FB: - Yeah Mr. Farmer sent you a Farmville request!

Me: - Do you ever listen to me at all? AT ALL? I said useful notifications! What is the use of farming in virtual world on top of someone’s house? I hate virtual games! And I heard you are going to add Angry Birds to you?

FB: - Well it is there in consideration I guess!

Me: - Man it sounds like keeping a condom vending machine inside a prostitute’s house!

FB: - WTF?

Me: - Yeah man! FB is pretty addictive! Angry Birds also too addictive! I guess someone will have to open de-addiction centers to make some people normal!

FB: - Dude! It is business!

Me: - Business? Do you know what the angry birds do? They destroy the walls to kill the dirty looking, dirty whining, green coloured Pigs! There would be no walls to write or comment on! You will be totally POKED up! The funniest part is that how much ever lovely these birds become, they don’t become love-birds, and they still would be angry birds!

FB: - Dude it is just a proposal!

Me: - Yeah I’m just warning!

FB: - Hey what’s in your mind?

Me: - I don’t know why you ask me this question?

FB: - Why? What happened?

Me: - I can’t tell you what is in my mind! Do you think I can blurt out whatever is there in my mind? People will call me pervert dude!

FB: - Ha ha

Me: - Have you seen the movie matrix?

FB: - Yeah! I have got access to you-tube. I have seen!

Me: - I always wonder, just like what happens in that movie, what if one day Morpheus turns up in front of me and tells-“Mr. “Neo”-manian whatever that seems to be real life is all illusion! The real life is FACEBOOK!”

FB: - That is what the truth is!

Me: - What? Don’t tell me you are Morpheus!

FB: - What if I am?

Me: - Stop it! That sounds weird & Scary! Sorry I started this topic!

FB: - Ha! Ha!

Me: - Don’t laugh like that you junk-head! Got to go now! Bye!

LOGGED OUT!

Clouds in the sky, rain in the heart

That summer evening, as usual I was getting ready to water the garden (if one could call it a garden) and it started raining… The sweet smell of soil getting soaked in water just excited me. It always had excited me… I immediately rushed to the kitchen, made a cup of coffee, very much high on caffeine! Sipping a cup of hot, strong coffee, sitting at the verandah and “listening” the strong rain, feeling the drizzle now and then, when sudden small breeze comes. The combination would definitely make one lost in thoughts. In fact, it would make one lost in memories.

My mind descended a few years back… There were summers when we friends/cousins jumped into the pond in the evening to take a refreshing dip. We used the Hero Honda bike tyre as wicket while playing cricket, with the bat made out of Coconut Leaf's stem and ball made out of paper and rubber-band…. For the elder ones who thought, the rains would bring an end to its use, we gave a reply by riding the tyre through the streets under heavy rain, the water splashing on to the sides of it. But the elders found their joy when the water became knee deep. The tyre wouldn’t move properly through water logged streets. So, it was time for some athletic fete. We came from school (already drenched), put some old dress and would run into the streets and lanes, through the muddy water, with no tension of getting fever, with no tension of getting infected, with no fear of insects, reptiles or other creatures biting us. The tensions, worries and fears were only for the elders. Their tension increased when they saw our dirty dress; their anger increased when they saw the dirt sticking on to us while they used to bathe us; their worries increased when the clothes would not dry properly during the rainy season. For them, the clothes stink, for we kids, it was the smell of fun and joyous days. Now I wonder why they used to get tensed on seeing the clothes dirty. Some day or other the clothes were to be given away, at least when we grow and we wouldn’t fit inside the clothes…

During adolescent age, rain meant something else. It was time to let loose the fear of unknown, outside world, when we used to cycle through the streets in the rain. The rain literally hugged us. It was a time when we dreamt a lot. It was a time when we craved for love. It was a time when we got excited to go to school only because we could get a glance of our crush and lock eyes… We used to rush through the rain on cycle and wait at some point or other where we could get to see the “person”. We used to lie down on the bare floor with just a pillow, tuning the old radio which used to produce sounds like “Brrrrrrr! Shuing! Shuing!” and finally gave away its way to our own “Aakaashvani”; on Sunday afternoons, watching the rain outside. It was a period of imagination. It was a period of dreams. It was a period, when we wanted to make our better half, every good-looking person of other sex, we see. It was a period when the smallest issues felt like our biggest failures. It was a period when we cried in the rain because we felt we had no one’s shoulder to cry on. Still when we were laid down with some sickness, the parents were the only people to take us to nearby clinic, and stay awake at night to soak the cotton on our forehead with cold water… It used to rain during those days also, as if the nature was describing our parents’ mind…

We all reached college… It was time when the rain hugged us with more speed. We gave away the bicycles which taught us to balance two-wheelers and ascended motor bikes and mopeds. The rain drops pierced our body in fact. It was time when we used to spend time over coffee in college canteen when it rained outside, in a big lot of friends which I would call a “mixed bag”. There were different people from different departments, from different backgrounds, wearing colourful different dresses, with different attitudes, with different ideas. There used to be many proposals, many acceptance and more rejections. There were more untold love stories than told ones. There were many jokes and jokers. There were many birthday celebrations. There were many who felt alone amidst the crowd. There were assignments to be done; there were test-papers to be prepared for. Those were the times we first stood aghast facing the world of liquor and smoke. We had the fear of unknown. Few of us tested it for fun, few made it an occasional habit and called themselves “social drinkers”, while many became party animals, seeking the pleasure of getting drunk for every happiness and sorrows. There were many instances of fun as well as fights, laughs as well as cries, dancing as well as resting, while some who never drunk were busy settling the people who got high.

It was time for many of us to do some “Professional Degree” or post graduation. Thank god, there was professionalism at least in name. It was mere “rat race” as one could fondly put it in clichéd terms. It was quite unfortunate that, to an extent we also became part of it. It was time when we used to keep business papers and magazines close to us in the left hand and having breakfast of toasted bread and jam in the right, rushing through the drizzling rain early morning to attend the classes. Competitions from school were different from that of here. If the former was competition for cup or certificate, the latter was competition for better life. The former’s result was short term jealousy from those who got defeated, while the latter’s was long term grudge. There were many of us who thought ourselves to be “Google” having immense knowledge in everything under the sky, but reached nowhere. There were many of us who were able to prove things based on facts, figures and statistics. There were many of us when the lecturer asked about particular news, were able to tell them the page number and column number from the newspaper. There were times when many of us swore at teachers and lecturers for your failure in job market. There were times when many of us swore the whole educational system with the help of which we thought we had reached nowhere. There were times we swore at people whom we thought to be ours, when they left us grabbing a job in their hands, as if they were telling-“See what I have got, would you ever get near me at all?”. Can’t ever understand why we all did that! Why we spent the most beautiful time in hyper-tension? During those tough times, there were good friends whom we could tell our grief to. There were good people around to comfort us. There were few people who faced the same issue as that of us. Still we were able to laugh through everything and enjoy the life.

Now it is time every one of us have started our carrier. We all, at one point or another have felt lonely. While sipping the coffee and enjoying the rain, all these memories rolled back in my mind. I feel like telling out loud-“Oh rain! You were there always witnessing the events of my life, and I know you would continue doing it!”

NB: - If you ever felt, at any point, while reading, you are one among the above said ones, I tell you, it was purely intentional…

Mr Sylvester

"When's next train to Aluva?" He asked me in a heavy non-Indian British accent.

"Sir it's supposed to come at 6.45. We've to wait for 15 more minutes I guess" I told.

"Hi I'm Sylvester!" He forwarded his hands.

Whoah! What a firm, confident shake hand!

"Have you been to Velankanni?" he asked.

"No sir, I'll once go" I told him...

"Hmmmm!" He sighed. "Shall I tell one story?" he asked.

I became furious but more than that I was curious. "Sure sir!" I smiled.

He told the story-"There was one NRI from Germany who was back at his hometown-Bangalore for winter vacations. He and his family i.e. His wife, his 2 daughters aged 21 and 17 decided to go to Velankanni for Christmas. Thus the pilgrimage trip was planned and they went, spent the Christmas at the church and nearby places. There was a high amount of festive mood in the atmosphere. On 25th night the family-man drunk bit above his usual quota. On 26th morning his spouse and children woke him up and urged him to participate in one march past to be happened in the beach. The hangover made him stay in room and the family left for the program. He woke up at around ten. Went outside and saw that there was water everywhere. It was Tsunami. He stayed in that place for 2 weeks, didn't see them or even their dead bodies. Now he is simply wandering the world, visiting various place and is talking to you right now".

I was able to see his eyes sparkle against the light. I knew that it was due to tears.

"Sir, am sorry." I didn't know how to console him.

"Don't be. I'm giving you a small suggestion. Live your life to the fullest. Live every moment. Because you never know what's gonna happen. You're young blood. You must be having high amount of energy." He told.

"Where do you stay?" I asked.

"Nothing like that. No permanent place and all. The whole world's there to stay." and he let out a big laugh which came directly from his heart.

"I think it's getting crowded. I need some air." He moved to the platform end where there were less people. I noticed his walk. Proud of what he is. Held his head high!

Was just wondering how many more "Sylvesters" are there ....

After the Mullapperiyaar disaster there may be an ascend in the number.

Nostalgia from Doordarshan

“What if Doordarshan was the only channel in TV? They used to put one movie every Sunday. Before the picture the used to show one animation, where an orb gradually becomes DD’s logo. I used to be very depressed by the tune which the animation accompanies. Holidays are over! School starts! I am feeling the same now!”

These aren’t my words. It’s a mere copy-paste of dialogue in the movie-“Zindagi na milegi dobara”. After seeing the movie (which I loved by the way!) I too was depressed that my student’s life is almost over and I have started working. As sung by Bryan Adams, “Those were the best days of my life!” the only difference being that mine was “summer of 99!” (Well there used to be many summers which are remarkable!) School days were fun with lot of time for self, the time during which cable TV was absent. Only a few good programmes to which people get stuck on to! It creates a mood of nostalgia thinking about few programmes which friends used to discuss in the lunch break on school days. The dialogue in the movie in fact forced me to think about those few good programmes…

Aladdin: -

Arabian naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyytzzzzzzzzzzz……… The song really reminded me about the “deserty” Arabia (well I have never been to Arabia, but reminded me of Arabia which I have seen in TV and photos)! The Walt Disney cartoon which really used to pin me to the seat with the adventures of Aladdin. Genie with all the gestures had made me laugh and had definitely been a part in me. (No! I don’t do any magic. Genie is in me only in the gestures’ department), along with Abu & Iago. An interesting character was the carpet which cannot talk but communicate well in spite of being a non-living thing. And Jasmine the princess was B.E.A.Youtiful (courtesy: Bruce almighty).

Alif Laila: -

“Zindbad the sailor ek jahaas mein jab chala” Err! That is not the title song. I don’t remember the lyrics, so I beg your pardon. It was like-“Alif Laila! Alif Laila! Alif La-a-a-a-a—yilaaaaa! Alif laaaaaaaaaaaillllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Last line in high pitch)” Oh shit I lost the matter! This was a series which was telecasted at night. During those days, I haven’t seen such beautiful graphics! Especially the one with Zindbad, Ali-Baba & Aladdin, being the most prominent stories.

All the best: - A programme in DD Metro on Sundays. Used to play latest bollywood songs & albums then. The thing which I loved was that the songs were played fully. (I remember fighting with mother to watch this programme because its timing was bit late according to her, and next day I had to go to school and she wanted to make sure I don’t get up late). Later on, they gave up the habit of playing the songs fully.

Appooppanthaadi: -

The Malayalam serial exclusively for kids. The title means “Grandpa’s Beard”. Sounds awkward when translated into English, I know. This was the first time I saw what morphing was! (Not morphine!) The highlight of this serial was a goggle with an Aero plane on the nose. It was owned by couple of kids. When this goggle was worn, one could see the exact character of any person. Some would turn in to Lion, some into jackals, some into rabbits (Psss…. This is where morphing used to come in!).

Chandrakantha:

-

I used to watch this serial on weekends even though I don’t understand a word. Normally itself I was week in Hindi (Now I have improved! I know few cuss words and can count up to 16 in Hindi, plus I can understand bollywood movies!), whereas this was a story from history when English was not used. So the language was pure Hindi…. Wow! That is a double impact. As told through a Malayalam proverb, it was just like a blind seeing Kadhakali! So the question here is why I used to see the serial. Simple! To see Kroor Singh and hear his “Yakku!” He is the only character I remember in that serial. I do remember others’ faces, but the name! I used to tap my right and fingers on the left hand fist and tell “Yyyyyyakkkkkkkoooooooooooooo!”

Disney Hour & Disney world: -

These were two programmes which used to be divided into 3 sessions each. These were the programmes where I started knowing Donald Duck, Goofy (remember his giggle-Ahhyooo Ahhyooo!) Mickey Mouse (he calling his dog-blooooootoooo! in a female voice), Minnie Mouse and Pluto (who used to clean his teeth and make them shine for a female dog of a dash hunt breed I guess, and the female dog looked like a suspension bridge!) Too much of imaginations were there in the programmes

Duck tales: -

The very rich Uncle Scrooge McDuck and the very naughty, tiny nephew pests. The main character, the uncle used to find way to increase his wealth (by the way he used to keep a coin with him which was considered the source of luck of all his wealth!), whereas few villains try to rob him and he protects his wealth. I remember one episode in which Uncle Scrooge was Columbus, who goes in search of India, finds, West Indies as well as Spain and when realizing the mistake declares-“This is India and I name it Spain!”

Ek se badkar ek: -

As far as I can remember, this was the first top ten count-down show in Indian television history. The top-ten bollywood songs were listed. And it was a serial combined with top-ten. A story ran parallel with the top-ten. If you have seen this program, you would very well remember the dialogue-“Aaw Maaw Chaaw!” this was the programme through which I understood that there was an art form called “Albums”. The first album I saw was “Made in India” by Alisha & then “Bolo Tararara” by Dhaler Mehandi But I still wonder how they rated them, because no online poll or SMS poll were available at that time. And for 6 months the song-“Pardesi” from the movie “Raja Hindustani” was there in top-ten. I hated that female voice after 4 months.

ETTAK: -

Expedition to the Animal Kingdom, or ETTAK I used to tell, used to give courtesy to some foreign channel and was telecasted every day morning. Hmmm well, it was same as that of programmes shown in Animal Planet.

Green Teen Quiz: -

This was quite an informative programme. I used to wait for this program which was in DD2 (or DD Metro?) at 7.30 PM. This was a quiz hosted by Barry O’Brien, for school students. I don’t know if the quiz master is relative of Mr. Derek O’Brien which conducts the Bournvita Quiz!

Jungle book: -

Rudyard Kipling was one of the foreign writers who were closely associated with India. And his work Jungle Book reveals it. I haven’t read the book so far, but Great Walt Disney helped me with a cartoon series which was telecasted by Doordarshan. The title song, both in Hindi and Malayalam were popular those days. I used to love Wednesdays because Wednesdays meant Cartoons for me, out of which one was Jungle Book. Wednesday evening 6 O Clock, in regional language! The numbers of characters were really epical. Mowgli, his siblings-Akru & Sura and their mom, the wolves’ leader Akela, sweet panda-Kitchi, the blackie Bageera, Bhaalu the bear, Kaa the snake, Thabaaki the timid helper of villain, the mighty Sher Khan. The BGM when Sher Khan arrived was royal, am in search of that ring tone in factL.

Little mermaid: -

I remember it well; it was telecasted in DD, on Tuesday evenings. The story of Underworld…. Oops! Water world! A king, a beautiful princess & her friends-Sebastian the crab & Flounder the fish. I always used to think who could do the roles if it was made into a bollywood movie. Well, now the casting could be done like this- Amitabh Bacchan (The sea king), Aiswarya Rai Bacchan (The princess; I don’t like Ms Bacchan, still….), Johny Lever (Sebastian the crab) and I still have a doubt if flounder the fish is male or female (So the role goes to SRK or Karan Johar!)

Mahabharath: -

I don’t remember much of this series, because I was just 3.5 years old at that time. But I do remember “Yadha Yadha hi dharmassya!” this is from where I learnt two lines from Bhagavad-Gita for the first time. I have heard people telling that old people used to do prayers and pooja in front of TV on Sundays (Yeah Yeah I am exaggerating!). My mom says that I never allowed her to watch that programme because by the time I hear the conch sound in the title song, I would start screaming! And who could forget great Mr. Nitish Bharadwaj who was Krishna in the series?

Shakthimaan: -

Sorry Shakthimaan! I am sorry to tell this. I used to hate this programme! For first few episodes I used to enjoy, but it became repetitive with all the Acid rain, Villains saying-“Andhera gaayam rahein!” Still, I used to see it. I had no other option because cable TV was far a luxury. I liked Mukesh Khanna who did a magnificent role as Bheeshma in Mahabharata. Even though comical and people used to make fun, Shakthiman managed to make an impact being the first super hero (as far as my knowledge is concerned!)

Surabhi: -

Every Sunday at 9PM; (hope I got the time right!), we (me & my family) used to be in front of TV for sure. We would wait for one graphic video where a maze reminding “Jantar Mantar” would appear, entering on which various snaps would appear those which remind anyone-“India”. In the end the logo of the programme would come which I used to call “Mysore Sandal Soap” because it looks the same. This was one good informative programme the stars of which were “Mr. Siddharth Kak & Ms. Renuka Shahane used to think that they were married couple! Well, the episodes used to feed people with good amount of knowledge, showed variety of places, variety of people. I do remember me beaming when they telecasted one feature on Kerala. Was feeling so happy. It’s not that I did not or do not like other states or languages, just an “am happy am home” feeling.

TaleSpin: -

animation story of Baloo (Same Baloo from jungle book), Louis the bar owner and Sher Khan the business Tycoon. Baloo used to be a pilot of Plane, the name of which was like that of some birds (I don’t remember the name of the plane & the city in which the stories used to happen!)

Tehkikaath: -

“Tehkikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath, ye hain tehakeeeekaaaaaaaaaaaaaath!!!!” For me this was Indian Sherlock Holmes Story at that time. I am sorry if you are a Sherlock Holmes Fan! I haven’t read any Sherlock Holmes story except, “The Hound of Baskervilles”. He was Inspector Sam De Silva who used to keep me on tip of chair with the help of his assistant-Gopi, who used to eat a lollypop always! (In fact the stories used to keep me on the chair-tip). Two stories which I would never forget were that of a woman named Neha waking up from sleep exactly at 3 AM and cutting ladies’ finger and that of one John Pereira who scares a housewife by coming out of a bath tub. Both these episodes have managed to send chill through my spine.

Yug: -

Yug was a serial which I used to see only during my vacation time & exam time. The prime reason was the time. Every weekday at 3.00PM. It was about the freedom struggle of India. It used to inspire me a lot, especially the title song-“Yug Badla Hindustan!”

There were few other series like “Shanti” (which shot Ms. Mandira Bedi into fame) which was aired on week day at 2 PM. Then a series called “Farz”, “Om Namah Shivaya”, “Sri Krishna”, “Jai Hanuman”, “Raja aur rancho”, “Chithrahaar, “Rangoli” and “Pingu” the penguin. Then there used to be an interesting programme named-“The turning point” anchored by Mr.Girish Karnad!

When it comes to Malayalam, there were many programmes like Chithrageetham, Thiranottam, Oru Kudayum Kunjupengalum, Arabi kadalinte Rani, Shasthra Kauthukam!

I know there are a few more to list out!

Of course above all these programmes, there were few advertisements which are there in our minds. Especially, the ones like

Bajaj: - “Yeh zameen ye aasmaan…..”

Complan:- “But am growing mommy!” and “I am complan girl, I am a complan boy!”

Lichad Pappad: - A big rabbit used to be present in this ad and in a nasal sound, it used to tell- “Hmmmmm! Lichad Pappad!”

Rasna: - with the tagline-“I Love you Rasna!”

Vicco: - “Vicco turmeric, Ayur-cosmetic….” & “Vicco Vajradanthi!”

Plus, there were many time fillers like “Mile sur mera tumhara”, “Bhaje Sargam” “Ek Chidiya” & “Hum honge kaamyaab!”

These time-fillers weren’t mere fillers, but also conveyed some messages regarding “Unity in Diversity”. It does sound like a cliché; still on hearing takes us 15-20 years back….