God! The title really
sounds like an auto-biography of a retired railway station master. Hmmm am
afraid my age is not equal to a retired station master’s service. Oh k! Don’t
start calculating or for the matter of fact guessing my age. I am just giving
you a notion that this is not a post of such case!
I have been travelling
in train to reach my work-place & back home for past 1.5 years. I would
just like to share few incidents those which are in my mind. I know the
time-period of 1.5 years is too short to be called “Diaries”. Still… you have
to tolerate whatever the author say. I have the liberty to do so! I know you
have the liberty to stop reading here! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase!!!!!
Continue reading!!! Am begging!
Thank you for continuing!
So where should I start? Hmmm yes! I have mentioned two incidents in a post
which I made almost a year before. Let’s start with it. It will help those who
have not read that post. Plus I can fill up some space dammit! That is what I
used to do for exams!!! Fill up the spaces with bull-shit!
I was inside the train which takes me daily to my
work place except Sundays and public holidays by the way. I have a bad habit of
reading books in the train. It is a bad habit the reason for which is going to
be told right now. Twenty minutes passed by and I lost my concentration on the
book hearing a hissssssssssssssss which sounded like rattle snakes which Steve
Irwin used to catch hold of in Discovery Channel and Animal Planet. The train
had reached Edappilly station and unusually the train was outside the platform.
The station has got two platforms and the train was not on the first, nor on
the second, not even on those two tracks between these two platforms. It
was on a track which was on the backside of second platform. Now only I
realised that there was a railway track there and the hissing sound was that of
the prairie brushing against the train compartments. If there was a foreigner
from that station to board the train, I could have greeted him with-“Namaste!
Welcome to India and congratulations for finding out the train. You can now
have the value of the ticket you are holding” This station is in middle of
city. The train doesn’t run on to right platform plus you have to board the
train by finding it out in between the woods. He would never expect a jungle in
middle of city.
Everyone was getting fussy about the train halting
in middle of forest. By that time I was fussy about the person who was sitting
opposite me. It was a girl who was really a bomb shell. This is why I called
the book reading habit “BAAAAAAAAAAAD!” But she kept talking to a nerd who was
sitting beside her. He was wearing a Soda glass which we mallus fondly call the
spectacles with thick glass. I am unaware how it is called in other parts of
the world. On seeing his face itself one could plot down his character. He
is a person who reads all the gadget widget magazine, whose job when at home is
only to sit in front of laptop/desktop, whose friends talk only about
giga-hertz mega-hertz 3G loading stuff, one who frequently comments on all
latest English release, one who doesn’t enjoy watching a 3D movie but thinks
and browses how a 3D movie camera works. He is another moron in the making.
They both reminded me of a Tamil flick which got released in 2009. The hero
sees the heroine in the train and plays guitar. But the only similarities here
were that the instance had a train and there was a couple. The dissimilarities
being:-
In movie, the compartment is neat. In real life- The
compartment is dirty like hell. In movie, the compartment is sleeper class. In
real life- The compartment is general as Indian railways don’t provide sleeper
facility in passenger trains. In movie- both hero and heroine balance each
other in their looks. In real life- Total injustice!!! In movie it’s night time.
In real life it’s day time. In movie-Hero plays guitar and composes beautiful
song. In real life- Hero knows how to assemble an electric guitar if you give
him a broken one except that it would be difficult for him to position strings
at right place. Music is not at all there in his blood.
The
conclusion is that she was extremely beautiful girl who looked like a Greek
Goddess but was with a scientist looking like a GEEK God!
Again
there was a fuss near the bathroom door. The problem was that a man sat on the
sack of banana chips and slept off. The owner came to know and checked if the
chips remained chips but ultimately it turned out to be fried banana powder. Maybe
he should have written “handle with care”. I have now made a decision that I would
never ever eat banana chips unless I see it getting fried and packed or it is
made at home. I don’t want to eat banana chips powdered and soaked in the water
from railway bathroom!
So talking about
reading books while travelling in train, it is good that you are not wasting
time. Err! Sorry am not wasting time, but in few instances it really is bad. One
I was reading a hilarious book-“God save the dork!” you find it hard to put the
book down once you start reading it! I was so engrossed that I didn’t see “The Stone
Cold Steve Austin” sitting opposite to me. So I was reading this book, and a point
before my station, I closed the book and saw this person who was not at all
moving (Just like a Stone) and I baptized him the name-Steve Austin. So he was
a Stone Called Steve Austin. This person was lacking 2 beer cans which the real
Stone Cold would drink before WWE
championship matches. I took my Lap-top bag which I use to take to my office
and put the book in. Our Steve suddenly got up started staring at me fiercely
and folded his arms across his chest. He scared the shit out of me and told-“Ttttttttttttttthhisssssssssssssssssss
bbbbbbbbbppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag is miiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!”
I was like-“God! Shut up dude. This is mine and I took it from the place where I
kept it” and slid my hand in. Something slimy touched my hand. I was wondering
if he drank that 2 cans of beer and threw up inside the bag! My face was like
that of KPAC Sunny in the Malayalam movie-“Naaduvaazhikal”.
For those who have not
seen that movie or scene, let me explain. Sunny belongs to villain side, plays
a trick to trap the hero-“Arjun” played by Laalettan. The trap was that a
packet of gold bars will be hidden in the flush tank of Arjun’s house. Sunny is
an income tax officer (or vigilance???) who comes to catch Arjun for keeping gold
illegally at his house. But our hero has already known this and has swapped the
packet with a packet filled with Dog-shit! Sunny takes the opaque packet and
slides his hand in. And rest can be imagined by you!
So I was wondering why
he has thrown up inside my bag and took my hand out instantaneously! Thankfully
this doesn’t smell shit! But gave a sweet aroma of coconut chutney! Stone Cold
Steve Austin and Coconut chutney- a wild combination! It was his bag which looked
same as that of mine! I apologised and laughed off that embarrassing situation!
There is a bearded guy
whom I meet now and then in the train. This person hails from Thrissur-the
cultural capital of Kerala! Never takes bath, and stinks like septic tank! And this
person is really proud of the heritage of Thrissur and most often get on my
nerves! Plus he looks down on people from other parts of the world! Pretty
sarcastic too! Once he irritated me and other fellow passengers with a senseless
poem which he sang to the tune of “Why this Kolaveri Di!” Can you imagine it? A
big shit in the tune of deep shit! And when asked to stop, he told in a royal
way- “This is literature dude! Only people with cultural heritage can
understand! Blah blah blah blah!” I blasted him with a few dialogues like- “Yeah
I know about the culture of Thrissur people like you! Drinking and dancing to
the tune of drums! Is that what you call culture? This is not heritage. This is
barbarianism. This is stroppiness!” Wow! What a relief it gave me! I felt like telling Mammootty’s
dialogue from the movie-The King-“This is castration! This is slavery!” (Goosebumps!)
I know no one can equal Mammootty in dialogue deliveries like this. But at
least in my mind, allow me to be him for a while!
Can you imagine someone
with bad voice trying to sing the humming of the song-“Harimuraleeravam”? (Suppose
a person like me?) Oh keep imagining! While singing that humming part, what
will happen if he is hit hard on his stomach? The same is the problem with one
beggar! He keeps making a noise as if he was hit hard while singing! (Sounds
like Bbbhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”) There was one faculty from
Kerala in our college who once argued that we won’t able to find even a single
beggar while travelling in Kerala in train. With all due respect sir, on
hearing this person’s sound, I really feel like slapping this person and hitting
you! Right on the nose! I would hit you on your nose so hard, that you would
look like Voldermort!
Have you seen any
corpse on the railway track? Such an incident happened to me once! Just before
reaching my target place, the train stopped with a screeching noise! Everyone was
totally taken aback by the way train stopped! Again the Greek goddess and geek
god were sitting opposite me. (God! Why is it that this girl is near me when
there is always some fuss?) I kept looking at her and drooled, while few people
in a bunch of five were carrying something and placed it on the platform near
me. I remember seeing a body without head and legs. That is all I remember! The
next thing I remember is the geek god shaking me and sprinkling water on me! He
told me next day that I came down on my knees from the seat and he thought that
I was searching for something! (Come on man! For 5 minutes without moving?) I gave
him a fake smile and looked at the Goddess! She was laughing at me as if she
was seeing stand-alone comedy show or something!
I always wonder why there
is a need for ladies’ compartment in trains. I mean, we people like to enjoy
seeing the ladies and few more Goddesses. Jokes apart, the ladies compartment
is like fixing target for all the atrocities to be aimed at! In past few months
many women’s life were taken by people, as reported by mass-media! We need to
remember that only a few are being reported whereas many go un-noticed. There are
few attention-seekers who purposefully create such instances and go gaga on the
Media cameras! I don’t dedicate this post to such people (though it doesn’t
make much difference to their lives!)
May God in the form of
humanity, save the family members of the victims of such unfortunate instances!
